Mother Theresa

Many have asked me if I had heard about publication of Mother Theresa's Journals wherein she expressed having experienced a long term void in her experience of God. I heard about this on NPR this past Friday as I was driving to pick up Will from school. If you'd like to listen to the NPR broadcast yourself you can click on this link (or cut and paste it to your browser) and listen to the commentary of a Jesuit priest who read her journals and tried to make some sense of them.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=13903581

He interprets her journals not as showing that she had doubts about the existence of God but that there were large portions of her life where she didn't EXPERIENCE the presence of God like she desired to. One would think that as servant oriented as she was there would be times of incredible grace where her faith would be reaffirmed by what John Wesley called being "gently warmed."

In actuality, she reaffirms to me the struggle of ministry.So often we minister in complete darkness not knowing if what we do or say has any effect on people's lives. We don't always know that we are even ministering as God wants us to minister. We just keep pressing on in faith.

I recognize her struggle as often I've wondered if I'm doing ministry for the right reasons or with the right spirit or using the right words or making the appropriate challenges or even being open to the Spirit like I'd like to. Ministry is full of seasons of confidence and doubt - times when you see the fruits of the spirit manifest in people's lives and then times when the fruit tree appears to wither and die. Ministry (indeed all Christian life) is not always easy.

Anyone who does ministry as a "calling" will have times of what has been called the "dark night of the soul". I find that during these times you call out to God more and often only hear silence in return. Yes, it's frustrating. But even in that season, there is quiet confirmation when we do kingdom work that God looks upon it and proclaims it "good."

I have no doubt that Mother Theresa experienced that sort of confirmation in her life. I know that I do - especially during those times of incredible brokenness when I am literally at the end of my intelligence and wisdom and skill and all I can do is raise my hands in the air and say "I am yours God." Often in worship I can't constrain the tears - tears recognizing my own inadequacy to do the task I've been called to do but also tears of joy that God in HIS power has given me what I need for today - my "daily bread."

For those who want to point at Mother Theresa and say "Aha! You see! Even a "saint" had doubts!" - they completely miss the point of our faith. It's especially in the times of our "dark night" where God is quietly leading us to water. These times increase rather than decrease our dependence on God. It's our own short-sightedness at times that causes us to miss the oasis for the desert.